Parenting has corners no one sees. The quiet ones, the heavy ones, the ones we learn to carry alone. This blog is where I begin sharing the truths that live there.

I’m speaking the unspoken because love and complex needs can coexist with pain, and silence has never protected a parent or a child.

There is a version of parenting people talk about. The one with tidy routines, predictable days and children who express their feelings in ways that do not involve ducking, bracing or scanning the room like you are in a hostage situation. And then there is the version I live.

Mine does not get spoken about much.
Party because people do not know what to say.
Partly because I do not know how to explain it.
And partly because when your child is 6 foot 3, built like an adult man and wrestling with dark thoughts he cannot control, people struggle to understand “but he is just a child” does not make me magically safe.

So this is where I start Living the Unspoken, because staying silent will not help anyone, least of all me.

What CAPVA actually is
Most people have never heard of the term CAPVA.
It stands for Child and Adolescent to Parent Violent Abuse.
It is not just a child “being naughty” or “acting out”.
It is not bad parenting.
It is not a phase.

For some families including mine, CAPVA can come from dysregulation, overwhelm, sensory overload, trauma, or needs that have outgrown the support around the child.

And sometimes it comes from something even harder to talk about.

A dark intrusive thought, that drops into his mind without warning.
An impulse he cannot control.
A moment where his brain tells him to do something dangerous and he does not have the ability to stop himself.

That is the part people really do not understand.
That is the part that really keeps us on edge.

The Truth I Wish People Understood

I wish people understood that fear does not disappear just because the person causing it is your child.
I wish they understood that love does not cancel out danger.
I wish they understood that size matters, and my child is not small, fragile or easy to redirect when he is overwhelmed.
I wish they understood his violence is not intentional cruelty. It is a mix of disregulation, intrusive thoughts, overwhelm and needs that are bigger than the support he has.

And I wish they understood that living like this means being constantly on edge.
Not metaphorically.
Literally.

Listening for footsteps.
Listening for doors.
Listening for silence because sometimes this is worse.
Sleeping lightly if at all.
Scanning the environment like it is second nature.
Knowing the difference between a normal thud and that thud.

This is the part of parenting no one prepares you for.

Why I am Writing Now

I am writing because pretending everything is fine is exhausting.
I am writing because other parents are living this too and deserve to feel less alone.
I am writing because professionals often see a snapshot, not the whole picture.
I am writing because siblings feel the impact even when they do not have the words for it.
I am writing because the silence around the subject helps no one and harms plenty.

And yes, I am writing because if I do not laugh at the absurdity sometimes, I will cry.
Dark humour is a coping mechanism, not a personality flaw.
Sometimes it is the only thing that gets me through the day.

What you will find here

Over time, this space will fill with the things I have carried quietly.
The moments I do not say out loud.
The quiet chaos of our days.
What dysregulation really looks like.
The unseen impacts on siblings.
The gap between services and reality.
The love that holds everything together.

Some posts will be heavy.
Some will be painfully honest.
Some might even be darkly funny because that is real life too.

If you are here I hope you feel something

I hope you feel moved.
I hope you feel seen.
I hope you feel less alone.
I hope you find a truth here that makes you breathe a little easier.

This is Living The Unspoken.
This is my reality.
This is where I begin.